When Mary Magdalene rushes to embrace the resurrected Jesus, he says, "do not hold on to me, for I have not yet gone to be with the Father." What strange words. I think the Greek text in the gospels can even be translated as "stop touching me."
One of the monks at Taize had spoken to us about this. He talked about how it is our instinct to hold on to the things that are dear to us, but how this then deprives these things of their essence because in holding on to something by force, we do not allow it to be itself. We end up clinging to a hull, or a shadow, or a past reality.
Jesus speaks a similar language throughout the gospels. He says that "he who tries to preserve his life will lose it". Many passages in the Sermon on the Mount seem to be variations of the principle that "you get what you want by learning not to pursue it in too immediate a way." And he tells his disciples that it is good for him to go away, because otherwise the Comforter wouldn't come.
But how is that "good"? Which disciple would have voluntarily gone through the transaction of having the Master removed from among their midst, even if he were replaced by the indwelling of the Spirit?
As I picture Mary Magdalene meeting Jesus in front of the empty tomb, I think I can understand, but I'm pretty sure I can't explain. Somehow the natural reaction of embracing someone who you thought had been taken away from you would not give you the same closeness in this moment. Somehow a much more intimate (and certainly more lasting) spiritual bond could be formed only by relinquishing the more immanent connection. Somehow a part of her heart was awakened that could only be awakened through the denial of a more immediate desire.
If walking with Jesus is nothing else, it is the progressive awakening of ourselves. He makes complete persons of us, awakening individual areas whose existence we had no idea of, areas which we cannot have any idea of unless we are deprived of our acquired habits of navigating around them. This can be a very painful process, but it is this which makes our walk with Jesus so joyful and worthwhile.
When I went on a pilgrimage through Spain in 2007, I repeatedly thought that I could write a book about everything that was happening in and around me. A few weeks after finishing the pilgrimage I started this blog instead. It may be the rough draft of an upcoming book -- who knows -- but it is my surrender to the urge to try to put into words what might better be left cloaked under a vow of silence.
