29: Continuing thoughts on sleep deprivation

I once heard that even insomniacs get as much sleep as they need, and that really all their problems are psychosomatic. I'm not sure I believe that, but even if it were true, a psychosomatic problem is not simply solved by repeating "I'm just imagining this" to yourself.

Watchman Nee said that he had a lot of trouble sleeping until he came to the realization that we are created to need sleep.

"Give us this day our daily sleep."

Of course that kind of a realization has to be an internalized -- one could say a spiritual -- experience, because the fact itself is one that we all recognize intellectually. But how often must I reflect on the fact that I am created to need sleep before I will fully free myself from the pressure of needing sleep?

The worst thing about the problems we obsess over is that they can often only be solved by no longer obsessing over them. But as long as they're not solved, we continue obsessing. Even if we know that that's the exact way to leave them unsolved. And then we obsess over our obsessions with our problems.

I just need enough sleep, one night at a time...

"Give us this day our daily bread."

Hasn't He been giving it to me? It hasn't been as much as I wanted, maybe not even as much as I needed to function at my highest potential, but certainly enough to survive? Why do I need to function at my highest potential anyway?

Ultimately it's the "daily" thing, isn't it? I'd like to rest. To rest. It is perhaps my greatest desire of all. It is probably the reason why I'm so depressed and even despairing in this life, and so ready to move on to the next one, and even having blasphemous wishes like a desire for a naturalistic universe in which death is simply oblivion rather than some Great Praise Band Gig In The Sky. I don't like praise bands. I just want to rest.

Sometimes I get to where I see all the joys and tragedies of life primarily as things that stand in the way between me and perfect rest. Sometimes I'd rather sleep away my remaining life than have even the most glorious adventures. But God obviously wants my life to be something other than rest; apparently rest is a means, not an end. He just gives me a daily share, and it seems so meager...

"Give us this day our daily bread"

My spiritual growth consists in large part of discovering in just how many areas I have not made my peace with God's methods.